So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
