Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
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