the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
