she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
