I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
