well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
