that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
