i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
