Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize
