I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
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There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
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I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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