I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
