Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
