census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
