sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
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