We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
