Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
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