Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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