Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
