god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
