Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Randomize
