I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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