genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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