so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
