The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
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