You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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