yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
