Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
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Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Randomize