You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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