You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
