booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
