my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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