i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
