Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
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