I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
