so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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