She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
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