1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
But i did once see a show where a women was homeless and installed a stove in a school bus so she and her baby could live there since all the seats were taken out. As far as being homeless goes it didn't look half bad...So this is me promising to you that if i ever am living in an abandoned school bus...i will at least pimp it out with a stove so you can come over for dinner sometimes
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
