I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
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