why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Of course I have a pirate flag
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
