Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
you traded sex for a burrito?
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
