True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
