The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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