Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
