you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
