Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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