You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
