I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
