My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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