i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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