My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
