I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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