Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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