Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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