nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
