i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
