Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
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