I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
