Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
