Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Randomize
