I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
