why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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